pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
