there's paper in my vomit.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
