My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
