By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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