I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
