Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
