So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
