i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
