I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
