my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
