I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
