He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
