the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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