did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
