I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
