I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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