can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
