We won't sleep together?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize