she woke up with a sticky ear
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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