I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
