i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
