idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
