my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
