Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She made me pour olive oil on her.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
