Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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