I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
