your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
