What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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