I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
