I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
