He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
