There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
