Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
