Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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