Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
