At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
