Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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