the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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