At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
