Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
