i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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