Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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