she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
