I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
