A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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