if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
