Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
