i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
