so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
