I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We have so much sex to catch up on
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
