I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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