i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
